People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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