but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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