Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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