So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Randomize