There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
