So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
it's like heaven, but drunker
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
