Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
