I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize