apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
