that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
