I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
