Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
