I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
