can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
