I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
