now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
