Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
