kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize