Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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