I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
