I accidentally burped into my bong.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
