I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
