my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
