I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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