now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
