i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
