My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
