and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just invented taco cereal.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
