You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize