Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
