guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
