Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
