I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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