Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
