i need an iv and a liver transplant
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
