I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
