lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
