i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize