once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
