I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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