Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
