I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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