I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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