I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
