So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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