my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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