i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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