tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
two words: eviction party
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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