The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
