it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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