You're completely useless in the revolution.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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