fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
