i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
