I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
