I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
