Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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