just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
