True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
