i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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