i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
