bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
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