We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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