What a fucking waste of an outfit
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Blood and glitter go together right?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize