so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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