I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
