he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
